The World Of Babahuskis

A page from Dr. Roch’s journals, May 3073

Several million light years away in the Lidebo Galaxy, lies the Planet Babahusk. In many ways, it is much like Earth. Air, water and sunlight are among the essentials for survival.

Before I force myself into a scientific account of the planet’s composition, structure and all — which is certainly not my intention for I do not consider myself qualified enough in this field — let me give you a short account of its very amusing inhabitants, the Babahuskis. Intelligent beings and culture are after all my expertise, my so-called cup of tsaw-tsaw (tea in Babahuskian), having earned multiple degrees including doctorates in Alien and Cultural Studies.

First, let me give a basic description of the Babahuskis. They are very much like Homo Sapiens, with a complete set of the major bodily systems found in the human species: nervous, digestive, reproductive, circulatory, endocrine, immune, integumentary, lymphatic, muscular, urinary, skeletal and respiratory. In more simplistic terms: they think, eat, talk, walk, breathe air, get sick, and like all biological beings, they perish.

I shall leave my dear Italian friend, Dr. Jocani Pagi, to discuss the similarities and differences between humans and Babahuskis in greater scientific detail while I dwell more on their alienus nature.

The Babahuskian civilization is a proud one and although its roots are probably as old as the planet itself, they are certainly modern and their technological savvy is perhaps surpassed only by us Earthlings. For all their pride and scientific know-how, they have one particular weakness. They are not a very neat life form.

Deodorants are but a recent discovery. I daresay as much as twenty percent of the Babahuskis I’ve encountered don’t make use of this practical invention. I initially thought that perhaps their olfactory system has not completely evolved. Maybe they smell things differently. But then I asked myself how is it possible that quite a number of them don’t appear to emit that distinctly sour and foul odor? What about the few that use deodorants and wear colognes and perfumes? Could it be that they choose to ignore this unpleasant reality or are they just being courteous not to point out what is obvious in the same manner that we, their guests, never speak to them about this even as a matter of science lest we offend them? My educated guess is that their culture has a different belief about the need for deodorants and whether bodily odors are offensive.

Another observation I’ve noted is that at about 6 p.m., when their two suns start to set and when their air cooler in the offices automatically shut down, the acrid smell starts to fill the air ever more strongly. I fail not to write this observation based on a serendipitous yet unfortunate circumstance – it is now exactly 6 o’clock here in the Feteo Center of Excellence.

While it can be scientifically proven that their musky smell can be attributed to the food that they eat, I have also noticed that several of them hang their clothes to dry in their kitchen and don’t bother to remove them when they cook, leaving them to absorb the aroma of their food. Still, the scent of food on one’s clothing is tolerable. What is unbearable is the stink of body odor, whether emitted from the armpits or elsewhere, especially when they can be effectively controlled through the use of substances known as deodorants. Dr. Pagi and I share a common view that allowing bacteria to continually thrive in the underarms so as to ferment sweat, which leads to an overpowering odor when left alone, is highly irresponsible especially when the intelligent being on the spotlight possesses qualities such as self-awareness, sentience and wisdom.

Much like humans, Babahuskis are social by nature. Their social structures are as complex as ours and law also shapes their society in countless ways. What is most interesting is that they have stricter and more numerous laws than us humans ranging from what food are allowed for consumption during certain days to what is allowed in the intimacy of a couple’s bedroom. Their implementation of environmental laws is astonishing – smoking was a perennial part of popular culture until a law declared that “it endangered the environment… and is a harmful activity…”

The Smoker Rebellion is very interesting but to give a more thorough account of it is not within the scope of my intended topic for this writing. Suffice it to say that millions of Babahuskis perished in this bloody ten-year rebellion before the government finally succeeded in its campaign to totally outlaw smoking and bring an end to the rule of the Puffer Industry.

Still, Dr. Pagi and I find it odd that while they have very strict laws on all sorts of things, a decree to regulate outrageously horrible body odor has never been considered in its long and colorful history.

On the lighter side of things, I am happy to report that I have made quite a number of Babahusk friends. I feel fortunate and honored to have found a few Babahuskis who share my interest and appear to be delighted in my company. I have come to conclude that I was wrong in my initial assessment that most Babahuskis are undesirable and civilly hostile to humans. You could say that I was at the wrong side of the planet in my first six months and was unlucky enough to have met Babahuskis who thought they knew everything, who loved exaggeration to the extent of saying “101% sure” only to end up totally being wrong and even though this is statistically impossible (Math is truly a universal language), and Babahuskis who are lazy and put their creativity to use by finding ways to avoid work that belonged to them in the first place.

Allow me to end this entry with a quotation from Dr. Pagi, “Not all Babahuskis are created equal. There are good smelling, bad smelling and ugly smelling Babahuskis.”