Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sarcasm, Feigned Incomprehension And Plain Ol' Rudeness

Paul says his sarcasm has toned down a bit ever since his experience in the dentist's chair as young boy where he woke up to find his face black and blue after a simple tooth extraction. Paul realizes sarcastic remarks are not taken too well by dentists and has since decided to use them sparingly, even on people outside the dental profession.

Mike is one of those people who can be sarcastic but chooses to be nice almost every time. We discussed what hypothetical verbal responses he could have given in various dialogs where he originally played nice but would have wanted to play dumb, be sarcastic, or just plain rude.

All responses below given by P1 in italics are therefore hypothetical.

***

Food Center

P2: "May I clear you plate?"

P1: "Certainly not. I'll do it myself. Go buy your own food."

***

Food Center

P1: "May I have some ketchup please?"

P2: "Here you go..."

P1: "Not chili sauce, ketchup please."

P2: "Oh, tomato sauce?"

P1: "Uh, no. I would have gone to the supermarket to buy ingredients if I wanted to cook spaghetti."

***

A Fried Chicken Fast Food Based In Kentucky. In White Sands, Pasir Ris

P1: "May I have some gravy please?"

P2: "What's gravy?"

P1: "Are you serious? Do you even work here?"

***

Office

P2: "By right the file should be in this folder everyday. By right the server should automatically dump it there. By right even if there was no data there should still be a file."

P1: "What about by left?"

***

Office

P2: "Just one more question also can or not?"

P1: "Okay, I'm confused. But that sounds like a question already. You've had your chance."

***

A Sandwich Store In Downtown East

P1: "One Italian BMT please..."

P2: "Oh, I'm sorry we ran out of bread."

P1: "Again!?! Why don't you just close down?"

***

A Vietnamese Cafe In Boon Tat Street

P1: "Can I have plain water please?"

P2: "I'm sorry, we don't server plain water."

P1: "Not even without ice, straight from the faucet?"

P2: "Boss says we're not allowed to do that. You need to buy your drinks so we can make money out of it."

P1: ????

Mike says he's still figuring out what he could have said to this one.

***

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Sunday, May 31, 2009

The World Of Babahuskis

A page from Dr. Roch’s journals, May 3073

Several million light years away in the Lidebo Galaxy, lies the Planet Babahusk. In many ways, it is much like Earth. Air, water and sunlight are among the essentials for survival.

Before I force myself into a scientific account of the planet’s composition, structure and all — which is certainly not my intention for I do not consider myself qualified enough in this field — let me give you a short account of its very amusing inhabitants, the Babahuskis. Intelligent beings and culture are after all my expertise, my so-called cup of tsaw-tsaw (tea in Babahuskian), having earned multiple degrees including doctorates in Alien and Cultural Studies.

First, let me give a basic description of the Babahuskis. They are very much like Homo Sapiens, with a complete set of the major bodily systems found in the human species: nervous, digestive, reproductive, circulatory, endocrine, immune, integumentary, lymphatic, muscular, urinary, skeletal and respiratory. In more simplistic terms: they think, eat, talk, walk, breathe air, get sick, and like all biological beings, they perish.

I shall leave my dear Italian friend, Dr. Jocani Pagi, to discuss the similarities and differences between humans and Babahuskis in greater scientific detail while I dwell more on their alienus nature.

The Babahuskian civilization is a proud one and although its roots are probably as old as the planet itself, they are certainly modern and their technological savvy is perhaps surpassed only by us Earthlings. For all their pride and scientific know-how, they have one particular weakness. They are not a very neat life form.

Deodorants are but a recent discovery. I daresay as much as twenty percent of the Babahuskis I’ve encountered don’t make use of this practical invention. I initially thought that perhaps their olfactory system has not completely evolved. Maybe they smell things differently. But then I asked myself how is it possible that quite a number of them don’t appear to emit that distinctly sour and foul odor? What about the few that use deodorants and wear colognes and perfumes? Could it be that they choose to ignore this unpleasant reality or are they just being courteous not to point out what is obvious in the same manner that we, their guests, never speak to them about this even as a matter of science lest we offend them? My educated guess is that their culture has a different belief about the need for deodorants and whether bodily odors are offensive.

Another observation I’ve noted is that at about 6 p.m., when their two suns start to set and when their air cooler in the offices automatically shut down, the acrid smell starts to fill the air ever more strongly. I fail not to write this observation based on a serendipitous yet unfortunate circumstance – it is now exactly 6 o’clock here in the Feteo Center of Excellence.

While it can be scientifically proven that their musky smell can be attributed to the food that they eat, I have also noticed that several of them hang their clothes to dry in their kitchen and don’t bother to remove them when they cook, leaving them to absorb the aroma of their food. Still, the scent of food on one’s clothing is tolerable. What is unbearable is the stink of body odor, whether emitted from the armpits or elsewhere, especially when they can be effectively controlled through the use of substances known as deodorants. Dr. Pagi and I share a common view that allowing bacteria to continually thrive in the underarms so as to ferment sweat, which leads to an overpowering odor when left alone, is highly irresponsible especially when the intelligent being on the spotlight possesses qualities such as self-awareness, sentience and wisdom.

Much like humans, Babahuskis are social by nature. Their social structures are as complex as ours and law also shapes their society in countless ways. What is most interesting is that they have stricter and more numerous laws than us humans ranging from what food are allowed for consumption during certain days to what is allowed in the intimacy of a couple’s bedroom. Their implementation of environmental laws is astonishing – smoking was a perennial part of popular culture until a law declared that “it endangered the environment… and is a harmful activity…

The Smoker Rebellion is very interesting but to give a more thorough account of it is not within the scope of my intended topic for this writing. Suffice it to say that millions of Babahuskis perished in this bloody ten-year rebellion before the government finally succeeded in its campaign to totally outlaw smoking and bring an end to the rule of the Puffer Industry.

Still, Dr. Pagi and I find it odd that while they have very strict laws on all sorts of things, a decree to regulate outrageously horrible body odor has never been considered in its long and colorful history.

On the lighter side of things, I am happy to report that I have made quite a number of Babahusk friends. I feel fortunate and honored to have found a few Babahuskis who share my interest and appear to be delighted in my company. I have come to conclude that I was wrong in my initial assessment that most Babahuskis are undesirable and civilly hostile to humans. You could say that I was at the wrong side of the planet in my first six months and was unlucky enough to have met Babahuskis who thought they knew everything, who loved exaggeration to the extent of saying “101% sure” only to end up totally being wrong and even though this is statistically impossible (Math is truly a universal language), and Babahuskis who are lazy and put their creativity to use by finding ways to avoid work that belonged to them in the first place.

Allow me to end this entry with a quotation from Dr. Pagi, “Not all Babahuskis are created equal. There are good smelling, bad smelling and ugly smelling Babahuskis.”

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Friday, November 21, 2008

The Case Of The White Coffin

     She must have been dead for quite some time, possibly of heart attack, they theorized. When the paramedics told him they had to take his mother to the morgue to do an autopsy, Pok Teh only nodded. They said he looked genuinely distraught. The only thing that bothered them, save Pok Teh it seemed, was the coffin that lay on the living room. There was no other indication of foul play.

     The three of us arrived at the house ten minutes after we were summoned, and was greeted at the door by one of the paramedics. My colleagues went about the business of searching the house, while I asked to be led straightaway to Pok Teh, whom we found slumped --certainly alive but not lively-- beside the entrance to the kitchen. Pok Teh was a tall, overweight, balding man in his forties. He had bloodshot eyes accented by dark circles underneath them, and a round, dreary face.

     "I'm Detective Gan." I said as I reached out my hand. He never took it, instead he continued staring blankly at the wall at the far end of the room.

     I thought I saw him give a slight nod as I sat beside him on the floor. The paramedics had just taken the body out, and from my angle I could see the edge of the huge white coffin protruding from the living room.

     "I'm sorry for your loss," I said, "but I'm here just to ask you a few questions."

     He said nothing but shifted his eyes to the ground.

     "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

     He gave an audible sigh and looked at me briefly before training his eyes on the floor once again.

     "I know this is difficult but I need your help to clear things up."

     I checked my notes. There wasn't much. Pok Teh's call came in at seven o'two. The ambulance arrived twelves minutes later.

     "The dispatcher said that you told them you found your mother lying on the floor when you arrived. You came from work, yes?" I asked.

     He gave no response and showed no intention of doing so.

     "Would you like to tell me what's with the coffin?" I offered.

     I was taken aback when the big man suddenty started crying like a baby. His body rocked with this sobs, which quickly turned to moans. I didn't quite know what to say, so we sat there just like that for a while. But even when he was through, the tears weren't enough to get him started talking.

     We arrived at the station a little past eight o'clock. I had no choice but to take Pok Teh for questioning.

     My colleagues had collected a few things that seemed relevant. We found four things stood out from the rest. One was a flight ticket going to China under the name of the deceased, scheduled for departure at six o'clock of the same day. Next was the receipt for a towing service issued at six thirty also of the same day, found in Pok Teh's shirt pocket. A bottle of Valium tablets was also found in his underwear drawer. Lastly, a huge paper bag containing two hundred thousand dollars was found in his cabinet.

     We, my colleagues and I, had different theories about the whole thing. The case was our first real assignment after having made it through the academy. Part of the job, we were told, was to make sense of the bizarre.

     "I don't like the guy from the instance I saw him," one said. "Something just isn't right about him. Maybe he had deliberately staged the whole thing to make it look like his mother was leaving the country and that he was in the middle of the road when she was dying. He must have had something to do with her death."

     "Maybe he gets to keep the house if she was out of the way. I mean, what kind of guy would still be living with his mom at that age?" another one conjectured.

     "The cash could be his inheritance," added the first one.

     "Or he was planning to leave the country after he killed her!" exclaimed the second guy.

     "Look, I don't like the guy too," I declared, "but that doesn't mean he had something to do with his own mother's death. Besides, that doesn't take into account the most bizarre thing of all..."

     "Maybe she was some sort of psychic," the second guy, the wiseass, cracked. "Maybe she saw her own death in her dream or something. That's why she bought the coffin."

     "Or maybe he's the psychic! Maybe he bought the coffin," the first one offered.

     We stopped our discussion before it got too out of hand. The autopsy report was coming in by ten o'clock, which became our self-imposed deadline for the day. We had some time on our hands.

     It took a few phone calls to sort out the first two pieces of the puzzle. First, the flight ticket. The airline stated it had to cancel flights because their pilots were on a strike, and that someone with the name of Pok Teh's mom had checked in earlier but was later informed of the flight's cancellation. Second, the towing receipt. The towing company confirmed it had indeed towed Pok Teh's car and that they had dealt with someone resembling his description. The signature on the form they faxed matched Pok Teh's signature in his ID.

     Unfortunately, ten o'clock had came too soon and the matter of the white coffin remained unresolved. The huge amount of money was almost equally perplexing. Pok Teh was a dead end because not a single word could be extracted from him. We had to send him home after receiving the autopsy report, which gave us the most important bits of fact yet. The report indicated heart attack as the cause of death, and that Pok Teh's mother could not have been dead for more than three hours.

     Two days later --Sunday-- we watched Pok Teh bury his mother in the same, white coffin that previously lay in their living room. But not before I got to take one last look at her when everyone was given the chance to pay their final respect. She could have been a foot taller and twice as large and they wouldn't have any trouble fitting her; she looked like a spoon getting buried in a shoe box.

     We invited Pok Teh back to the station after the ceremony. He looked worse than than ever, probably from combination of grief and the lack of sleep.

     "We've been busy," I started. "We've traced the coffin to its seller and we've even talked to the people who delivered it. We've also talked to some of your neighbors as well as your colleagues in the office. As for the money in the paper bag, you emptied your savings just the day before that fateful night. You weren't intending to spend all that money on yourself, were you?"

     I detected only a very subtle change in his bearing but he kept his eyes on the table. I was seated across him, barely two meters away.

     "Perhaps, you'd like to take this opportunity to tell me what happened?"

     I knew by then I wouldn't be able to get him to talk. But I had to give him a chance. He didn't take it.

     "No? Very well. Maybe I could tell you what happened?"

     The only response I got was a slight movement of his eyebrows. I couldn't say if that was an expression of agreement, bewilderment or surprise.

     "You left the office at about five-thirty," I said. "Your colleagues say it was the first time you did that in months, maybe even years. You wanted to get home early, but then your car broke down along Henderson Road, near the intersection. You had to call the towing service and it took them some time to get to you."

     I stood up and leaned forward a bit towards him.

     "With your car towed, you took a cab instead. Now I don't know why you just didn't leave your car..." I began to pace the room.

     "Anyway, you managed to call the funeral services to say you were going to be home late. It's just that you didn't expect your mother to be home. You expected her to be well on her way to China but instead you found her lying on the floor when you arrived. You never expected her to be dead. "

     The big man in front of me was once again sobbing like a child, and like the first time, it took a while to compose himself.

     "The guys who made the delivery were already on their way to you doorstep when you called the funeral service. They never got the instructions to wait for you because they left their service phone in their car. Your mother just arrived from the airport and was changing her clothes when they knocked, so she yelled to let themselves in. Coming out of her room, she must have been shocked to see the coffin in her living room, enough to give herself a heart attack."

     I paused to watch Pok Teh's reaction. By now he had covered his face with his hands and was shaking his head continually.

     "You bought the coffin over a month ago, soon after you've bought the flight ticket for your mother. But you inquired about the coffin three weeks earlier than that. It must have taken you some time to persuade her to go take a vacation in China. But things didn't go as you've planned. Your mother's flight was canceled. Then your car broke down."

     I took the bottle of Valium tablets and placed it on the table. It made a bang that was louder than I intended. Pok Teh looked up.

     "The coffin was really never for your mother was it?"

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Tuesday, April 4, 2006

The Moral Of The Story

I had the opportunity to listen to a talk delivered by a writer. She had a popular newspaper column that ran for over 20 years.

I must admit her talk was filled with interesting and inspiring stories. But one got me really confused, one conceived for children. The details and narration below are mine but I did my best to retain the original plot.
Once, there were four angels who wanted to go down to earth for the once-in-a-lifetime experience. For several weeks, the sisters begged permission from the powers that be. When they were finally given the blessing, it didn't come without a few inviolable conditions -- they had to travel to earth during night, they had to leave back for home before the sun rises and most importantly, they had to keep everything a secret.

The angels chose a lake in one of the supposedly uninhabited jungles and set their wings for the journey as soon as the skies turned dark.

They stood silent after they landed, observing, making sure that no man was nearby. After several minutes and a few exchanges of knowing glances and smiles, each of them took off her clothing, pair of wings included, laid them by the shore, and then jumped with excitement into the cold, pristine water!

For several hours, the mere had become their paradise. The sisters laughed, giggled and shouted with glee. Feeling the cold, tickling liquid on their skin for the first time was simply magnificent. They dove in and rose out of the lake, ran around the shore, and splashed water at each other. Shortly however, their delight was not to be celebrated just among themselves.

A man who had been living alone by the woods was soon making his way towards them. He had grown accustomed to the eerie silence of the night except for the occasional sounds made by the nocturnal animals, but his curiosity was aroused by the noise coming from the distant part of the jungle, seemingly amplified by the quiet air. His excitement grew with every step he took and as he drew nearer, found himself exerting increased effort not to make any sudden noise. When he was as close to the angels as he dared, he began watching as they jumped, clapped and danced in ecstasy.

It didn't take long for him to figure out that they weren't from any place he had ever been. He observed that all of them were beautiful, but found himself extremely attracted to the youngest one. He mischievously devised a plan that he thought would change his life forever. So, he kept still, forcing himself to stay awake, waiting for his chance.

When they gathered farther away from him, held hands, formed a circle and then started chanting, the man didn't waste time. He tiptoed his way towards where they had laid their clothings and took off with the smallest pair of wings he could find.

The time had come for them to leave for the sun was almost out. The eldest of the sisters lead the rest in heading for the shore. She picked up her clothes and pair of wings, and wore them. Each of the sisters did exactly the same thing except for the youngest who was surprised not to find her wings were she had laid them!

After a frantic and fruitless search, the angels had no choice but to leave their youngest sister behind.

Without her wings, the angel was simply a mortal. The man's plan came into perfection as he successfully lured her straight into him arms. First he offered her clothing, then food and then shelter. He reserved his grandest offering for last -- promising to love and take care of her for the rest of his life if she agreed to live with him.

Ten years went by swiftly. A boy and a girl completed their family.

In one particular sunny afternoon when the man went away to farm, leaving his wife and children behind, another life-changing event took place.

The mother knew her children were out playing their favorite game of hide-and-seek so she was surprised when they came rushing through the door earlier than usual. Both were shouting with excitement, tugging at her to go with them to take a look at what they had found. As they went their way, both kids were saying they had found the wings of a giant bird under a hidden trap door in their barn.

The mom's tears fell as she saw what she had been yearning to find for so long. As soon as she fitted the pair of wings, she flew up towards the sun, higher and higher until she was out of sight.
What was it that got me confused? The writer said outright that the story was meant to teach kids not to mess around with things that didn't belong to them, further stating that if not for the kids, their mother wouldn't have left them.

I just thought the lesson had to do with deception and where it gets you. [The mother leaving her children just like that is a different topic altogether.] Well, what do you think?

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